Repeat

electricpearls · Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 8:49 pm Post subject: Repeat

Well I wrote this in my facebook because I'm just THAT OPEN, but I felt it was one of those things I wrote that in my opinion is really meaningful, and a true description in myself.

And it is also kind of a rant so I am posting it here.

Here goes nothing... (excuse my language at some points)

everybody has a negative side but most choose to enlighten us with their positive side.

it's time to change that.

i'm still in the process of "self-discovery", i've never had a boyfriend, i'm too self analytical, low on self-esteem and nobody really knows me. i am always ditched because most of my friends think i'm too low on the social ladder for their time and consideration. i am constantly rejected and i have given up on alot for the time being.

some say i am too nice for my own good but i have had my feelings hurt to the point of near self-destruction, and i can't bring myself to inflict that sort of pain on others.

i have spent 16 damn years of my life worrying about every goddamn little thing and trying so hard to create a persona that is really nothing like who i am.

it's hard to not care about what everyone else thinks of you. i've spent all my life bashing myself and putting myself downi've struggled all my life with my weight. i've starved off 20 pounds just so i could keep skating, and when i quit i ate the pain away. i quit everything. i quit the best thing that ever happened to me and i can't go back.

nobody but me knows why i can't go back.

without the good grades, the expensive clothes and the nice demeanour, i am absolutely nothing.

nothing but me, and nobody knows that real "me".

i am analytical of others without actually realizing it. i have friends from all walks of life, and some of my friends absolutely despise some of my other friends. sometimes i wish i could just be more liked, but then my conscience tells me i'm better off where i stand socially, which i am.

i always wonder...

why do we live in such a world of hate?

why can't we stop the judgements and the irrational behaviour and just learn to get along for a fucking second?!

why do we look around at other people and believe that we are better than them?

i feel i am the opposite and that i am weak compared to everyone else.

i feel like i am unworthy and that i'll never be good enough. a 90 average is too low and a size 6 is too big.

smaller, smarter, BETTER.

i constantly dream that queen's will reject me because i'm not good enough, and that to get in i will need a 99.9999999 average and endless hours of volunteering and extracurriculars.

i used to cry alot but i haven't cried in years because i am afraid of showing emotion. some say i don't smile but i think my smile is ugly.

i sit and contemplate studying but my brain is stuck on analyzing, critiquing, constantly judging ME.

my opinions on myself are my ultimate downfall.

i'm trying to change, though.

i'm trying to stop focusing on what other people think of me. don't think i hate myself, i don't.

alot of the time, i quite like who i am, actually.

i just wish that we could all stop hurting other people's feelings to make ourselves feel better.
_________________

was a long and dark december,
from the rooftops i remember there was snow,
white snow.

boarderlinefrenzy · Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 4:39 am Post subject:

amen!!! That was amazing. I can't believe you put it on face book, though. I wouldn't of. Make it Private?

I some times feel the same way about myself, too. Although in highschool I have started to become a little more "open."

I don't really like sappy or cliche things, so I shall stop for now.

Good Luck on life in general!

And I enjoyed reading about myself. haha.
_________________
“Imagination is the highest kite one can fly”
~Lauren Bacall

greenism · Posted: Sun Oct 21, 2007 2:50 pm Post subject:

You actually sound A LOT like me. I feel like I'm nothing without my grades and my clothes and whatever either. It's horrible... =(. People are way too judging, and honestly I feel like I'm constantly in a competition of who is prettier, who has better grades, who's more popular, who's got nicer clothes, and whatever and it's incredibly frustrating. I hate all this pointless commotion, and that's why I can't wait until I graduate from high school and get to start over. I feel like people had their first impression of me, and now I can't change what they think of me.

I'm also in a similar situation with your skating thing... I'm almost on the verge of quitting volleyball. The sport makes me so frustrated and takes blows to my confidence all the time. I really don't even know what to do anymore, whether or not I should continue with the sport.

With the size thing, don't even worry about it. A lot of girls go through that, and I feel like I'm always being compared to my friends as to who's skinnier. I never had that problem in the past until recently, and for the first time I feel like I need to be concious of my size and weight.

Don't even worry about Queens, from what I know about you off F18 and whatever, you'll definitely get in. You seem like an extremely hard and dedicated worker, and I can promise you it'll pay off in the end.

Anyway I hope you feel a little better, and definitely know you're not alone. If you need to talk, message me on facebook or MSN or something. =)
_________________

Be Happy. =)

Nothing Better · Supermodel Joined: 31 Dec 2006 Posts: 830 Smiles: +16 428

Thank you
That's all I can say
You might as well have read my mind

electricpearls · Posted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 10:20 pm Post subject:

thanks for all the comments, everyone.
tt didn't stay on facebook long, no one really saw it.

but it feels so nice to just let everyone see a piece of ME.

not what i'm wearing today or the mark i got on a test...

those things aren't me. those things don't define me.

what defines me in the end is the person i become, and i think i will truly know who i am when i reach death, and i look back on my life.

will it be worth my while?

i'm trying to make it that way.

but i have to try and somehow pull myself out of this rut of negativity.
_________________

was a long and dark december,
from the rooftops i remember there was snow,
white snow.