Writings

boarderlinefrenzy · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 8:57 am Post subject: Writings

This is part of that book I'm writing. I picked a part that explained the most so you wouldn't be totally lost, it takes place in Maine, by the way.

EDIT: outt

What do you think?
please critique me and tell me your insight.
_________________

“Imagination is the highest kite one can fly”
~Lauren Bacall

DeadDisco · Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 11:28 pm Post subject:

I really liked it! I definatly want to read more of this! At first I thought it was going to be some stupid short story that was made up on the spot, but it's really well written from what I can tell. Although I did notice some typos:
There was no way someone sensible like Arlyn that would do something like this.
I don't think "that" is needed.

“Calm down, Nat.” He pulled up another crate “Sit down.”
You either need a comma after "Nat" and before "sit down" or just a comma before "sit down"

“Boyfriend, beaux, whatever!” He liked his lips, “Anyway, ever sense Mr. ‘Lex ...
Perhaps you meant "licked" and "since?"

That's all I noticed, but I could be wrong about some of it. You seem like you know a lot more about grammer than I do.

Oh, and I also think there are a few too many commas. Or maybe just some commas when they should be periods. But I'm never sure about those.

Anyway, you did a great job and I'd love to read more, or the beginning if I could.

EDIT: And are words supposed to be capitalized when they've been interrupted by "(name) said, digging his fingers into his legs, "Something tells me.."
Sorry, I just made a quick example off the top of my head, but hopefully you understand what I mean. I always thought you didn't capitalize the word of the continuing sentence.
_________________

Tick tock, you're not a clock
You're a time bomb, baby

boarderlinefrenzy · Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 3:25 pm Post subject:

Thanks for the comma critique. I just noticed one when I glanced at it.

"Just sit, I have something to tell you....

could be:

"Just sit; I have something to tell you....

or

"Just sit. I have something to tell you....

or maybe if I wanted to make it read even more differently, I could say something like...

"Just sit: I have something to tell you....

I should probably re-word that sentense.

_____

I will defenatly (spelling?) post somemore. Arlyn is the other main character. They do narrate everyother capter. Natalie narrates the even ones, and Arlyn does the odds. Has anyone ever read "Pigman"? I used his idea.
_________________

“Imagination is the highest kite one can fly”
~Lauren Bacall

jod; · Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007 3:34 pm Post subject:

i like it, & definately would love to read some more.

boarderlinefrenzy · Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 9:44 am Post subject:

EDIT: outt
_________________

“Imagination is the highest kite one can fly”
~Lauren Bacall

DeadDisco · Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 3:16 pm Post subject:

The whole beginning bit, up until the end of the food conversation, seems like it could be reworded better. I’m not really sure what exactly should be changed, but I just think that it could flow better.
Other than that I’ve just noticed little typos.

he had a girlfriend that was a dumb as he
As dumb as him?

come over to my house every Tuesday and Thursday

quiz me on pop culture events that had nothing what so ever to so with anything relevant

“Wait up!” he would yell at me, entering Roy’s.
I think a comma should be there.

I knew Alex would be in here any moment. “What are you getting, now? Old lettuce?” he came up next to me.
I don't know if that comma is needed.

“I realize that.” I headed toward the Pam to check out
Not needed

Inside, he took off his coat and hung it on one of the knobs in the hallway.
Hanged? I’m never sure about this one.

I went to my room to take of my hat
Off

Sorry if it seems like I'm ripping it apart. Most of them are just typos and I'm trying to help.
And I'm still liking the story. Very Happy

_________________

Tick tock, you're not a clock
You're a time bomb, baby

boarderlinefrenzy · Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 4:22 pm Post subject:

yeah, it is hung. Oops. Hanged is for people ("Billy the Kid was hanged").

jeez, there were lots of typos.

btw, it is "as dumb as he". Think of it as "as dumb as he is".

Thank you so much, this is really motivating me.
_________________

“Imagination is the highest kite one can fly”
~Lauren Bacall

DeadDisco · Posted: Sun Sep 09, 2007 5:23 pm Post subject:

Thanks for clarifying the hung/hanged bit, I was never sure about that one. And I reread the "as dumb as he" line and it makes sense now that I thought about the way you said.
I'm glad I could help for the other bits.
_________________

Tick tock, you're not a clock
You're a time bomb, baby

boarderlinefrenzy · Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 10:54 am Post subject:

EDIT: outt
_________________

“Imagination is the highest kite one can fly”
~Lauren Bacall